…..A furious, agitated human being. Three years, five months, and thirteen days later, I still think about my dad’s death. I still have flashbacks of his cold body lying on the hospital table with his black t-shirt, pajama pants, and white socks. I still struggle to navigate through life without him. I still find myself wanting a hug, kiss, or even hearing an “I Love you!" from him. I still find myself wanting advice from my dad. I cannot even look at old videos and pictures of him without tears rolling down my face. It is tough to lose a loved one, and as time progress, you miss them more and more. NO ONE will ever understand the pain I feel behind my dad’s death.
I should break it down a little more.
It has been forty-one months, one hundred and seventy-nine weeks, and one thousand, two hundred and fifty-nine days later, and the pain is still here.
Grieving never stops! I am still trying to learn how to live without my dad and get through life without him.
Since February 21st, 2019, my life has changed drastically. As I sit and reflect over these last three years, I have experienced so many failed relationships, setbacks, health issues, and more deaths, which makes me question, “How am I still here?”. I lost relationships with some of my closest friends and family members who I thought would be with me forever. I would find myself questioning where things went wrong. But I needed to wake up and realize these friendships/relationships I had were draining me. They were not helping me mentally or physically. The same feeling I experienced in “The Love”, is what I felt in those friendships/relationships. But I should have known, my dad always told me about individuals who were not for me, but I never listened. I never listened to my dad until after he passed away, which hurts me the most.
I have always been considered the strong one, but as the years passed, I realized how weak I was when I faced more hurt and pain. After my dad died, one year, two months, and 28 days later, I lost my granddaddy. After my granddaddy, one week and one day later, my uncle passed away.
The tears I cried and the pain I experienced in those past two years. I would not wish it on anyone.
I appeared to be strong when I was hurting on the inside.
I appeared to be strong when all I wanted to do was lean on one's shoulder.
I appeared to be strong when all I wanted to do was break down and cry.
I appeared to be strong when all I wanted to do was end my life.
As the years progressed, I told myself that 2021 would be the year I find myself again. It would be the year I allow myself to heal from the pain and the hurt I experienced in 2019 and 2020. 2021 was the year I told myself, “Your mental health is in shambles and unhealthy.” 2021 was the year I told myself, “YOU ARE NOT OKAY.” And flash forward to today, IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY. But, in 2021, I did not thoroughly learn that yet. In 2021, I felt I could work on my healing and come to terms with my loved ones departing from this world. But, I still could not get over the fact they were still gone.
My dad, granddad, and uncle were supposed to see me graduate from college.
My dad, granddad, and uncle were supposed to be here supporting my blog and not have me writing about their deaths.
My dad, granddad, and uncle were supposed to be with me on my new journey in life as I prep myself to apply to medical school.
My dad, granddad, and uncle were supposed to be with me!
As time progressed, I admit, my mental health did improve, especially in September of 2021. I started to lose a lot of individuals in my life who should have been gone. Later that year, in December of 2021, I built relationships with individuals who helped me grow. And that’s one thing I’ve learned! One’s mental health can instantly become healthier once toxic individuals are out of your life.
But, once my mental health improved, the pain and hurt started again.
After my uncle’s death, two years, two months, and twenty-two days later, I lost one of my closest aunts.
The tears. The frustration. The anger. The pain.
I truly felt like my life was a joke.
The cycle of my pain started all over again. But, this time the pain and hurt I faced were different. This time, my pain fueled determination. Remember when I said, I built new relationships? They played a part in my pain fueling determination. My dad, granddaddy, uncle, and aunt's death took a toll on my mental health, but with the passing of each loved one, I learned something new. It allowed me to open my eyes and analyze my life differently. But this is not the only aftermath I have experienced. I have also experienced….TO BE CONTINUED.
Kommentare