Depression hit me. My life suddenly turned for the worst. I always felt dead inside since my dad died but, this time, I wanted to die. One day, as I laid in bed, all by myself in the dark, the tears would roll down the side of my cheeks constantly. I probably never cried so much in my entire life. Every day since my dad died, I cried nonstop. I cried out for help. I cried out for understanding. I cried out for the pain to go away. I cried and cried and cried until I could not cry anymore. I felt like I was going to die soon. I just believed I was. My eyes started to stay bloodshot red with dark circles around them. My hair stayed in a ponytail that I did not brush or comb for days. I no longer had the energy to cover up my appearance. Nor did I care to hide it anymore. That was the new Samyra. The Company! The Semester! The Love! They all broke me! They changed me forever.
Door locked. Lights off. Window covered. TV unplugged.
Ignored. Deleted. Blocked.
I would always throw my phone across the room in frustration. "Why can’t I just be left alone?" is what ran through my mind frequently. I constantly made it known that I wanted to be left alone. But, somehow, some individuals could not comprehend that. I was in a place where I did not know who I could confide in. Many individuals acted concern, but they just wanted to be nosy and always felt they needed an update on my life. Before my dad died, no one cared about me. No one ever checked on me. No one ever appeared to be so concerned about how I was doing in my life. That made me furious! I started to wonder, where did all this love and concern come from all of a sudden? I wanted to start slowly drifting away from everyone. So, I started shutting everyone out by changing my number and completely disappearing. I wanted people to learn how to live without me. I wanted them to act like I never existed. So, I changed my number, and I deactivated all of my social media. That gave me peace. I finally felt like I was slowly slipping away from this toxic, painful world.
Malnutrition, plus dehydration, was a sign my body was starting to decline.
My pale skin, lips, and dull eyes gave it all away. I could feel my body breaking down day by day. I went days without eating or drinking. My weight started dropping off me rapidly. Many days I tried to eat, I wanted to eat, but I couldn’t eat. I was just not hungry. I started to become used to the physical and mental state I was in. Then, I became very sick. I felt like I was dying slowly. Depression was taking over my mind and body, and I was okay with that. I did not want to fight it. I wanted depression to win.
Depression is so real.
Weak. Useless. Fed up with life. These emotions led me into a downward spiral of feeling helpless, and my ability to grasp the existence of hope was becoming cloudy. I started feeling like things would never change or improve. I was alive, but no longer living. Sown seeds of self-doubt blossomed and inhabited my peace. I tried to give the appearance of normalcy, so I forced smiles and faked happiness at social engagements. Soon, this too became draining and left me feeling lifeless inside. The need to be alone started becoming necessary to escape the charade. I began to find comfort in being alone. Dark rooms and places welcomed my presence, and they became my safe haven. This is how I was "living”, in isolation. As I laid in my bed, day by day, my thoughts would get deeper and deeper. I started reflecting over my entire life, and I realized I have….. TO BE CONTINUED.
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