SETTLED! The mental abuse. The physical abuse. The narcissist. The manipulator. I settled! I settled for it all! I settled for love. Love is so painful. Love broke me! Love changed me! Love can be very dangerous. The love I had was pure. It was wholehearted. It was passionate. It was affectionate. I gave love my all. The love I gave was real. But, my love wasn’t appreciated. It was taken for granted. My love wasn’t good enough. I suddenly found myself begging for love. Begging to be loved the correct way. Begging to be given the same love I gave in return. I started to get fed up with the love I was receiving. I started to give up on love. But, it was so hard to leave.
“I’ll change. I’ll do better. I love you.”
“I believe you.” The words I fell for every single time. So, I stayed. Love drained me. I was no longer the Samyra I once knew. Sleepless nights became the norm for me. Grieving and dealing with broken love is painful. As I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, the tears would constantly roll down the side of my cheeks. It wouldn’t stop. The pain I was feeling was on another level. I was heartbroken. I felt like my heart was breaking little by little. As the tears fell, the pain in my chest grew stronger. Plenty of nights I wondered, “Where is he? Is he okay? Why isn’t he answering his phone? Who is he with? He’s supposed to be home by now!” That became a repeating cycle. So, the pop-ups began. I found myself leaving the house many early mornings or late nights looking for him. Love can make you do some crazy things. I went looking for something I didn’t want to find. The truth always hit me dead in the face but, I still stayed. I stayed through it all. I settled!
The disrespect. The infidelity. The deception.
I was now known as the delusional female. I heard the same thing over and over, "You are the problem! You are the reason why this relationship won't work. You are crazy." But I knew the truth. I even saw it with my own eyes but, of course, I was still the problem. The manipulation was working. I started to believe I was the problem. ”How can I make things work between us?”, is what I would constantly ask. I tried to change in order to receive the love I deserved. But, the love I was receiving only brought pain and suffering. I broke down many days with my eyes bloodshot red, crying aloud how things needed to change. But that narcissist did not care one bit. I was still the problem and did all the wrong in his eyes.
To stay or to go?
I stayed! The mental abuse. The physical abuse. I stayed through it all. The love I had for myself was nonexistent. I no longer knew my worth. I settled for this type of love. I knew I should have left but, I thought I could fix things. I thought things would get better. Every time I tried to leave, he did change, but it was temporary. I got used to that type of love. I experienced that same love over and over until I reached my breaking point.
Many days I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered, “Why me?” Why do I give out so much love and never receive it in return? What am I doing wrong? Am I the problem?" But, other days I found myself in the mirror saying, “What is wrong with you? Your dad would not like this. Your dad would be so disappointed to see what love was doing to you.” At that moment, I knew it was time for me to be alone. It was time to start shutting individuals out. Next thing you know…..TO BE CONTINUED.
Comentários