Low self-esteem! The battle in my mind was constant. I often questioned myself.
“Why am I not beautiful enough?”
“When will I ever be good enough?”
“What can I change about myself to be enough?”
“Is this why “The Love” never worked?”
Questions like these entered and sat in my inner thoughts. I found myself stuck and
focused on what I deemed negative about myself and my life. I constantly told myself things
would never change. I dwelled on these thoughts quite often. A part of me wanted to give up
because thoughts of doubt and feelings of inadequacy were ever-present. I felt alone with no
support system and no way to escape what I constantly fed to myself. As these thoughts grew, I began to weaken. Beliefs of not measuring up to societal pressures of intelligence, beauty, and worth slowly sank my level of confidence.
I graduated high school one year early, then worked two jobs and volunteered within the community while pursuing a Bachelor of Science degree in Biology, but that was not enough. From my long natural black hair, smooth brown skin, beautiful brown eyes, pretty white straight teeth, and down to my wardrobe, was still not good enough. I thought I had the brains and beauty, but it just wasn’t enough. It was me. It was me. It was me! I was the reason why “The Love” didn’t work. I started to hate the way I looked.
That narcissist! That manipulator! That toxicity!
The things he would say to me, I started to believe it. “No one will ever love you the correct way. You are not even pretty. No one will ever want you or love you the way I tried to love you. You are going to die alone.” I believed it all. I wanted to change every single thing about me. There would be days I would find myself going in the bathroom and staring at myself in the mirror, fed up with myself and the life I was living. Should I cut my hair? Should I dye my hair? Should I start wearing more makeup? Should I change the way I dress? I was running out of options on what I could change about myself. I even thought about losing weight, and I was already underweight for my age. I was only 120 pounds to be exact.
I would drown in my thoughts, and I developed a sense of hatred for myself that grew deeper and deeper by the day. I couldn’t control my way of thinking. I was stuck in my thoughts and the way I was currently living.
Door locked. Lights off. Window covered. TV unplugged.
Ignored. Deleted. Blocked.
Of course, this was becoming a repeating cycle! I just wanted to sleep and not wake up. Every time my eyes opened, I was living in a nightmare that would not go away. I was tired of The Phone Call, The Nightmare, and The Voicemail replaying in my head, over and over. Also, fed up with The Company, The Love, The Depression, and now The Low Self-Esteem I was dealing with. I knew nothing was ever going to change with my life. I just needed my dad back. I knew he would have been the person who would have understood and helped take my hurt and pain away.
It was now the month of May, three months after my dad passed, and my mental state was only getting worse. I was struggling with life horrendously and had no other option. The thoughts that ran through my mind were starting to become outrageous. Those thoughts I experienced were……TO BE CONTINUED!
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